whenever i talk about it i smile, whenever i see it i cry

two in one day. how's that for an entrance to blogger.

i came back because i'm supposed to be packing for the much awaited trip back upstate for tommy's wedding. but i hate packing. so i'll neglect it for a bit.

trips upstate are always a bit conflicting for me. on the one hand, i get to see my family, drive around for a bit, do some cheap shopping, tell my sister she's my best friend and get the chance to prove it, and be stuffed to overflowing by my loving grandmother's cooking. i'll jog down to my other grandparent's home to see the house that wasn't even started the last time i was home and is now fully furnished and they've moved in. on the other hand, there will inevitably be a fight with my mother, the friends who will pretend to be thrilled i'm back and then either pray for me to leave or spend weeks complaining that they didn't get to see me, because i didn't fit in with their weekend plans. understandable.

i let people know in advance and it generates little excitement, yet unannounced trips are met with cries of rage that i would dare not inform them of my return home. lose lose.

thus it's usually a few days spent not doing everything i wish i could be, wasting some time, and seeing a few of the people i truly miss. which is getting fewer everytime.

and there is my complaint. now i'm off to stake out the laundry room so i don't catch some guy examining my hot pink bra while "just transferring your clothes to the dryer". right

and hey, i still get to drive

That thing you need to redefine and validate your reality

i'd like to find it. days have become a blend of dates, of times, of subway trips and meaningless interactions with people in the form of their bag nailing my knee cap or their elbow knocking the wind out of me.

some days i think about turning around and screaming "fuck you"

but then i realize that they'd take 5 steps and forget me, and once again i'd blend in. what's the point in trying to stick out if you just fall back in.


i need some validation