ask me no questions i'll tell no lies

everyone should have at least two people they cannot lie to and tell everything to. and i mean everything. no not just one person, two. two opinions and minds full of suggestions to draw on, and two bodies to bear hug when it all goes wrong. and it's important that these be people you cannot and will not lie to. mine know who they are and i thank every lucky star in the sky every night that i have them in my life. i know that i can be myself and tell them everything i feel horrible about, regret, don't regret, am scared about, every stupid thing i've done etc., and that they will love me regardless. and if they think i'm being hotheaded or stupid they'll tell me so. if i'm insecure about a path i'm taking they'll help me figure out if it's what i want. and if i need a quick slap in the face to bring me back to reality, they'll do it.

thank god for them.

and of course they're there to get you drunk when you need it, take loads of pictures to make you laugh, talk about every missed chance and hottie that just walked by, and about the last time anything was good enough to do again.


in other news, i'm still undecided about the new year. well the road trip didn't happen and paris fell through (i was supposed to visit my brother and his fiance) so my whole vacation is up in the air. how's that for a lesson on living life spur of the moment. thinking about heading to cali to visit friends or just trying to do a shorter version of the original road trip. we will see. i have no desire to return to the city so soon, so anything is a better option. i've been sick lately, as 95% of my house is carpeted my dust allergies are in full swing. olive just got spayed so with her funnel around her head we are quite the pathetic looking pair all wrapped up on the couch watching movie after movie.

and suddenly i find myself falling asleep. more chatter about the new year will come soon i'm sure, but i know that i'm looking forward to it. looking forward to being a bit bolder, a bit more secure in what i want and need. it will be an adventure, that's for sure. someone once told me you change the most in your 21st year, well i've got 5 months left, bring it on.

happy holidays everyone!

i'm gettin bugged drivin up and down the same old strip, i gotta find a new place where the kids are hip

new beginnings. i can do this. i need a change. two more weeks of school, finals, and i'm free. free to roadtrip with two of my bests to maine and canada. free to ski. free to sing along with the radio after 4 days. free to leave. if i can actually go through with it and take a week just to go, i can do anything. i know it sounds little but this is big. not to work, not to worry about rent, just to go. if i can do this i can leave in february and take a few months just to be. to be whatever and whoever i want to be. to visit people i should've already visited, to see things i want to see, to go. just go.

and i want to go.

i want to be brave enough to go, to do, to see, to be. i'm sick of being a shell. of pushing everyone away and trying to be whoever i think people like best. is there a me anymore? or are the 20 parts that i pull out as i see fit. like birthday dresses or memories. when i need them they're there, if not they're relegated to the puzzle box. i'm not making sense. i feel like a part of me is free. and it is. it's done. we're done. he does not hold me down, hold me back. i am the only one doing that now and if i can let go of myself, i can do anything. and i should. it's the right time, it will surely never be this good. so go. go silly, just go.

so i will. i will go.

yessssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!

i am in too deep

and breathe.

Tell me somethin good

And so begins another sleepless week. It's nights like this that I wonder what on earth possessed me to throw away a perfectly dysfunctional relationship. Sitting on the couch with O and a pile of tissues, remnants of a cat infested holiday, listening to Lily Allen and freezing. I could do with a little inspiration, such as the knowledge that there will be a warm body in the bed already when I finally get there, and that that body will roll over, snuggle up, and tell me I'm perfect before passing out again. Alas. That is no longer the story of my frozen winter nights. And that's a pathetic reason to miss someone. I am that girl. Proven by the fact that I just pulled O out of her cozy "nose tucked in butt" sleeping pose for a snuggle break she now resents me for.

I have no idea how my roommate can sleep in the next room with me practicing to be the understudy for the Titanic's foghorn out here. God bless her.

I'm looking for suggestions on where to spend the next six months of my life. I've decided to take the semester off to deal with pressing emotional instability and figure out if my chosen field is really one I will be happy with. And to avoid rebounding with any number of closet alcoholics or crack heads. I'm debating Egypt or Africa, but leaning towards Greece or Italy. Any other ideas? Right now I'd like to experience the Renaissance, but I'm looking to make sure there's nothing out there I'm ignoring that could knock me off my feet. What am I saying, no one reads this or even remembers it exists! God, send me a line.

Over the River and Through the Woods

Two years, two lonnnng years since I've had anything to write. I almost forgot I subscribed to this paradise of blank spaces. So what's new?

Well in the past five minutes I've learned if I lease a Volvo I get a complimentary rear seat entertainment system, that nothing says "happy holidays" quite like the word "duh", and 'tis the season to drop a hint. I despise holiday car commercials. In the past two years I've learned that life is a jungle, and you just have to keep swinging through it. Suddenly I have the urge to go ballroom dancing.

Sitting here in the aftermath of the Thanksgiving flood of "feel good thoughts" I realize that despite however dramatic I may be at any given time that I am doing pretty well for myself. I have moved back into the city (yay no more snowy subway waits in Queens), own a dog, enjoy my jobs, and am slowly but surely realizing that having no idea what I want to do with my life is a-okay. Olive, or Ollie, (the dog) is a beautiful miniature long haired chocolate dappled dachshund (whew) who gets cuter and cuddlier by the day. The apartment is in dire need of Martha Stewart's touch and my life path is a bit bumpy but these all serve to remind me that if all else fails, I have done things on my own. I know myself better, if only a little bit, and I have plenty to be thankful for. What are you thankful for? Get back to me on that.

If this isn't an example of word vomit, well, you know. I just wanted to see if I can still do the whole "pour your heart out to an inanimate object and wonder if anyone reads it" thing. Apparently I can, we'll see if more follows.

a wonderful day in the neighborhood

let's take a moment and have a group scream of frustration

.....


alright. that was fun. to clear up any confusion and to wipe looks of "she's crazy" off your face, the scream was directed towards the Fordham University Tech Support. specifically the individual who answered my phone call after my 45 minute search for the proper phone number to call, my irritation at having to use my own phone to call as i could not find the extension number to waste the school's phone time. yes i realize that the search was due to my own incapability to organize anything in places that would be useful to me at all. no need to remind me.

regardless. after returning to my apartment after a relaxing and surprisingly enjoyable 6 day mecca to my hometown i was irritated to find i could not get my internet to work for the life of me. now i don't mean to brag, but i am fairly well versed in computers and have a knack for being able to fix most any problem that comes my way. my solution for refusing to convert to macs is to be able to fight anything that attacks my pc. cheaper in my view. so i spent a few hours last night trying everything imaginable to get the ridiculous smart enforcer program to disappear. to no avail. so i gave up and left. i returned after classes today hoping for a miracle, and got a hearty laugh in the face from the "you have temporary access" screen with it's annoying red countdown. after another 2 hours of pc doctoring i gave in, ranted through the 45 minute phone number search, and was connected (surprisingly fast) to a "tech support individual". success. or so i thought. it seems that the individuals assigned to tech support actually know nothing about any other program but those they are told to instruct you to download onto your computer. now as a fu student i ignored all the directions my freshman year about smart enforcer and blah blah blah, and have never had a problem. suddenly my computer is rejecting my $50 antivirus program. wonderful. as i explain to the broken record on the other end, i've had the software for two years, and it's worked fine. so tell me how to fix it. don't tell me to uninstall it. i don't want to. don't tell me it's the only way to fix it, because i know it's not. but sure, go ahead and read from your little instruction book. and repeat it eight times. because i didn't hear you the first seven.

so i hung up on him

and gave in

and uninstalled my antivirus

and downloaded their ancient program

and wowie

now everything works.

moral of the story:

i'm pissed that i couldn't fix it, i'm pissed that i gave in, and i'm pissed that fordham's tech support knows nothing about tech

whenever i talk about it i smile, whenever i see it i cry

two in one day. how's that for an entrance to blogger.

i came back because i'm supposed to be packing for the much awaited trip back upstate for tommy's wedding. but i hate packing. so i'll neglect it for a bit.

trips upstate are always a bit conflicting for me. on the one hand, i get to see my family, drive around for a bit, do some cheap shopping, tell my sister she's my best friend and get the chance to prove it, and be stuffed to overflowing by my loving grandmother's cooking. i'll jog down to my other grandparent's home to see the house that wasn't even started the last time i was home and is now fully furnished and they've moved in. on the other hand, there will inevitably be a fight with my mother, the friends who will pretend to be thrilled i'm back and then either pray for me to leave or spend weeks complaining that they didn't get to see me, because i didn't fit in with their weekend plans. understandable.

i let people know in advance and it generates little excitement, yet unannounced trips are met with cries of rage that i would dare not inform them of my return home. lose lose.

thus it's usually a few days spent not doing everything i wish i could be, wasting some time, and seeing a few of the people i truly miss. which is getting fewer everytime.

and there is my complaint. now i'm off to stake out the laundry room so i don't catch some guy examining my hot pink bra while "just transferring your clothes to the dryer". right

and hey, i still get to drive

That thing you need to redefine and validate your reality

i'd like to find it. days have become a blend of dates, of times, of subway trips and meaningless interactions with people in the form of their bag nailing my knee cap or their elbow knocking the wind out of me.

some days i think about turning around and screaming "fuck you"

but then i realize that they'd take 5 steps and forget me, and once again i'd blend in. what's the point in trying to stick out if you just fall back in.


i need some validation